Monday, August 3, 2009

Sometimes I Am Just Ridiculous

So, we have a toilet that needs some help, it is wobbly all of a sudden and can be moved back and forth. I may not know much about plumbing - slight understatement there - but I do know that a toilet should not wobble back and forth unless you are on a luxury cruise ship and the weather is bad.

Wobbly toilet means a visit from my plumber - who is a nice young fellow and DOES NOT have plumber pantsitis thank the good Lord. But then, I had a moment of ridiculousness. I thought, "Oh my word, I have to vacuum in the back hallway (where the bathroom with the toilet is) because there is an accumulation of dog hair (remember this) and other greeblies ( yes that is a word) that I don't want Lee to see that when he comes into the house.

And then things spiraled down hill like a beginning skier on a black diamond slope, gaining momentum, unstoppable...

After the thorough vacuuming I had this thought, "Oh my word I have to clean the bathroom, there are water spots on the mirror and just in case Lee looks at himself in the mirror I don't want him to see the water spots."

And if that thought wasn't bad enough then this occurred to me, " Oh my word I have to clean that toilet. I mean Lee is going to have to be down on his knees face to face with the porcelain and then he might see all the little places on the side of the toilet that I haven't been too good about cleaning in the last few years weeks."

About this time I was putting on latex gloves and filling out an application for an EPA grant. And then this thought occurred to me, "Oh my word, I need to clean that area behind the toilet where no one ever looks unless you are passed out on the floor after an evening of the flu." You see, there was a spider back there who was minding her own business but had to go. And there are also some stains back there from a rather overenthusiastic "plunging" incident several years ago with one of the progeny. I know who it was but there is no way you can ever pry the info out of me. I value my life.

Well, I got the floor vacuumed, the bathroom cleaned, the toilet cleaned, the area BEHIND and AROUND the toilet cleaned.....and then this thought occurred to me, "Oh man, I really should vacuum in the kitchen and wash the kitchen floor because, you know, you can see into the kitchen from the back hallway and Lee might notice the dog hair mammoth residing in there and be all grossed out and go back to the office and tell everyone. Or he might see that I haven't washed my kitchen floor in a month week and be totally grossed out."

Now I have to tell you that by this time I was deep into my delusion if I was thinking that Lee would be grossed out by the dog hair mammoth. You see several years ago Lee had to come over and fix the grinder pump in the basement. What is a grinder pump you ask? Well, when we built the house we had a full bathroom put into the basement. It was a brilliant idea but in order for the "stuff" coming from the toilet to get up into the septic tank you have to have a pump that pumps it up there hence the grinder pump - the name tells you what it does - it GRINDS and then pumps. I will leave it to you to form the picture there. Grinder pumps are industrial work horses EXCEPT when it comes to paper towel. They can't grind up paper towel, it clogs them up. Do you see where I am going with this? So, someone (and no one ever fessed up) had been using paper towel instead of toilet paper in the basement toilet. And the grinder pump stopped working. But we didn't find that out until the contents of the pump started to leak out onto the carpet in the TV room. And Lee had to come over and fix the pump. But BEFORE he could fix the pump he had to clean out the pump a dog hair mammoth is probably not going to gross him out.

90 minutes later, after vacuuming the back hall, the kitchen, my office (because it is next to the bathroom), the laundry room (because you can see in there from the back hall too), the bathroom and the front hall and dining room just for good measure. And, after cleaning the bathroom and washing the kitchen floor Lee arrived, spent 30 minutes resetting the toilet, handed me the bill for.......$150!! and left.

No I didn't take a picture, what do you take me for! OK, I thought about taking a picture but I didn't because I want Lee to come back and fix other things. I don't want him to be all, "Oh man, that crazy lady who took a picture of me resetting her toilet is calling. Tell her I am booked up until mid 2012!" The poor boy is still recovering from the grinder pump incident after all.

I have a headache, I am exhausted, I need a nap and I am soooooo in the wrong profession. $150!!!!!


  1. I remember that incident with the paper towels, and I just want to say that I didn't do it. :)

    Love you, Mom.

  2. Oh, my, yes. My folks don't understand why we don't every have a babysitter over. I don't have enough time to clean for someone coming over who might look in cabinets. We have a yippy dog who doesn't really bite but any time someone comes over we lock her in the bedroom for their safety -- it's really so that they don't dare open the bedroom door.
    Great site!

  3. This all reminds me of a one of my favorite children's books: "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." It's about how one thing leads to another which leads to another.

    Thank goodness for visitors, huh? If it weren't for them, our houses would NEVER get cleaned!

  4. Like the previous commenter, my house is only clean when company's coming! Thank goodness they come a couple times a year.


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