Monday, June 20, 2011

I Struggle

Sometimes I can find an endless number of things to do other than blog. And after you read this then you may wish that I hadn’t blogged.

See, I wrote those sentences and then decided that I would get up and do something else. After a few measly sentences. I wrote it. I thought about it. I got up and messed around with some things that I am cleaning out. I started a load of laundry (HHBL’s baseball pants that need to be soaked). Anything but blogging and putting words on “internet paper”.

I am struggling you see.

Struggling with many things.

Struggling sometimes to know what to say here. Does any thing I say have any relevance? Does it really matter if it does or not. Does it really matter that I am even here?

I am struggling with what I should be doing with my time. With my life.

Some days I struggle with just about everything in my life. I don’t care that my kitchen is dirty. I don’t care that the Hummingbird came to the feeder. Tears stream.

If you met me you might not know it. I usually have a smile on my face (except if you cut me off in traffic). I try to be nice. I try to be polite. I try to be productive. But I still struggle.

I guess you could say that I struggle with relevance. I know that I am relevant to God, that is one thing that I do not doubt. But it is all the other things that just sometimes feel like they are going to do me in. Most of the time it is pushed to the back of my mind and I just leave it there. But then there are times when it just comes roaring to the front and there is not a thing that I can do to stop it. I am overwhelmed and unable to cope.

Funny. Or not. I have reached the grand old age of 51 and I just don’t know what I am supposed to do.

What to do with my life. What to do with whatever talent I might possess.

I could read all day, take care of my house, experiment in the kitchen (my pasta primavera yesterday was KILLER), knit, garden, take pictures of stuff, mess around with said pictures. All those things.

But is that what I am supposed to be doing?

If it is then I would really just like some peace about that. If not then I would really like the Lord to open a big door and put out a big sign that says

Deb, THIS (with accompanying arrow) is what you are supposed to be doing.

But I haven’t seen the arrow or the sign yet.

And so I struggle on.


  1. Been there...done that...for me, starting at around 49...and without going into a whole lot of detail, I think it has to do with hormones leaving the building so to say. It gets better when all is said and done, it did for me a year or so ago. But I have to warn you, it is going to be a very interesting ride for a me on that. :)

  2. What Debbie W said. Hormones. Leaving. Quickly. Sucks.

  3. Such honesty - sharing is a good thing and you are so open. Thanks... I am having the same kind of day here - same things - laundry, hummingbird, dirty kitchen = apathy... But I can tell you that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing - and you are touching lives of people far from you that you don't even know...

  4. I find life often doesn't come with arrows or signs. But, if I pray for wisdom and then make a decision, I can always tell if it is right or not by the peace I feel - or don't.

  5. know I struggle constantly, with many things. Your blog, your pictures, your tweets, etc., are always so positive and uplifting and so full of joy in the things you DO that you motivate and inspire me to do better things and have a better outlook on my world.

    Today, even though you're struggling, you've done it again...because by knowing that even YOU struggle, I feel better.

    That makes no sense to me now that I read it, but hopefully that message got through. :-)

  6. You're just not seeing the arrow yet. It's there! Keep looking.
    I'm a struggler too. I hate this with my husband out of town this week... I'm struggling to make ends meet, to get kids where they're supposed to and forget about a clean kitchen floor...

  7. Been there. Still there. I would also like one of those signs. Instead I just keep plodding on, day to day, trying to at least do what I am supposed to do THAT day. Because maybe that's all I'm supposed to do right now...feed the family, clean the house, wash the clothes. And I still wonder if that is ALL.

  8. Hello Deb. I came over from the Saturday Post linky. You may already feel better than you did on this day, (I pray that you do) but I have been in your shoes. I came to the conclusion that God was providing the time I needed to spend with Him in prayer and study. As you would imagine that time prepared me for the next "task" that came my way. Take the opportunity to pray and study and that arrow will soon become apparent. Blessings.

  9. I've had days, weeks, and months like this before. Isn't it in the Catechism that "the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever"? That's a really loose quote, btw. That is what I try to remember as I go through my day to day. Prayers that you will find purpose and meaning, and that you will bring glory to God in everything.


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