Monday, November 23, 2009

Shhhhhh, I Am A Clandestine Dealer in Butter

Everyone should be blessed with a friend that they can call to ask for a cup of sugar, or a bar of soap or a jar of molasses. It is one of the joys of life to be able to know that there is someone who can fill that "oh no I'm out of it" need. Lauren and I fill that need for each other. We live about 300 feet apart on our road so it is easy to shuttle food stuffs back and forth.

Do you have some sugar?

Can I borrow a cup of honey?

Do you happen to have some "Liquid Smoke"? HA, she thought she would stump me with that one but not only did I have some Liquid Smoke, I had a whole extra bottle of it. Liquid Smoke is the secret ingredient in my homemade BBQ sauce so I always have it on hand.

So this morning, at the rather early hour of 6a I hear my cell phone ringing. I leap from my computer chair and run into the kitchen to get it before it wakes up HHBL and it stops ringing just as I get there. Rats I hate that. But I can see that it was Lauren that called.

Hmmmmm, I hope that nothing is wrong!!! It is early for them. If it is something wrong she will call back.



Ding Dong (that is what my phone says when I get a text message). Ah, yes Lauren I am up and you can give me a call.

Now I a really worried. I hope the girls are OK! I hope that Mike is OK! I hope that Lauren's dad is OK! I hope that the cats are OK!

Finally my cell phone rang. Oh, just so that you know what my cell phone ring is like you can play the clip below. No one ever said that you had to have a boring ringtone. "Dooley" by The Dillards just happens to be mine. Remember I mentioned that I have rather eclectic taste in music.

Hmmmm, I think I digressed there. So, my cell phone rings and it is Lauren and she says, "Do you have a stick of butter? I am all out."

A stick of butter.....

at 6a in the dark of the morning....

"Yes, I think I can provide you with that, once I get over the fact that there isn't a catastrophe brewing at your house. No, no, I will meet you at the end of the driveway with it. That way you don't have to come all the way up to the house."

So I grab a stick of butter from the fridge, put on some shoes and schlep down to the end of the driveway very thankful that it is dark because I have on a pink shirt, a pair of aqua work out pants that are what we term "flood waters" meaning that if there is a flood these pants are high enough up my legs that they won't get wet, white socks and black clogs. A vision of loveliness am I.

I stand there, hoping that no one sees me in this outfit with a stick of butter held in my hand close to my side. I see the headlights come slowly cruising down the street and a car pulls up in front of me.

Hey, hey lady are you looking for some butter? I got some right here.

The car window silently slides down, I hand the butter to her, we exchange quiet words, the window slides back up and the car glides back up the street and into the darkness.

I felt like I had just transacted a drug deal.

I am a black market butter dealer. Can I go to jail for that?


  1. That ring tone is hilarious! You better hope it never accidentally goes off in church! (I'm laughing just thinking about it.)

    Btw, I hope I didn't wake up HHBL with my 1st accidental call. I pressed the wrong button. Sorry. :(

    Oh, and the bar cookies got done in the nick of time! Thanks again!!

  2. You never did tell me what cookies that you were making! Are they good and do I need the recipe?

  3. Ah yes . . . the Dillards, authors of such famous phrases as "Slippery as deer guts on a doorknob," and "Spit tobacco juice into the street and try to get some old lady down." Bluegrass rules!

  4. Are you sure it wasn't Paula Deen in the car? The woman does like her butter.

  5. You're too funny! I wish you were my neighbour. : )

    Love the ringtone too!


  6. I think I saw a meth deal a few weeks ago, my only doubt (there was the passing of the cash and the baggie of white powder) was that one of the transactors was in a mini-van -- seemed a little uncool for drug dealers. Maybe it was your friend and sugar instead?


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