A Sentence I Never Thought I Would Use

I just finished a lovely hour vacuuming my dog’s genitals in an effort to combat the fleas he apparently has.

That is a sentence that I never thought I would write.

I. Vacuumed. My. Dog’s. Genitals….extensively.

Perhaps I should back track a bit. Max the Magnificent hasn’t been acting himself lately. There is the whole “I have decided not to sleep in my crate” issue. And then there is the “I cannot bear to be further than 10 feet from you Alpha” thing going on. And finally there is the constant scratching and licking and head shaking. Plus the patch of fur on his side that is thinning drastically. And the very occasion puking in the yard.

So this morning we took a trip to see Dr. Jeremy. It was about time for us to give him another installment on his house payment and hopefully he could shed some light on this whole issue. I was POSITIVE that it couldn’t be fleas. I had checked his fur for fleas. I had given him his flea medication. It had to be something more drastic.

We rush to the vet for the 8a appointment. I hate rushing but it was a fact of life today since I forgot, until I looked at the clock and realized that it was 7:44a, that we had somewhere to go. Get the dog in the car. Grab the coffee mug. No time for breakfast. Get to the vet and spend concentrated time sniffing the grass and the columns and the sidewalk (the dog did that not me). Sit and wait for a bit.  Zip in to the exam room finally and tell the vet tech, who looked to be about 12 years old, what was going on.

Temperature normal? Check!

Heart and lungs sound OK? Check!

Ears OK? Ummmm, a bit of discharge but nothing major. Check sort of!

Take a peek down at the missing family jewels and assorted dangly bits?

And everything comes to a screeching halt as I hear the dreaded words.

Oh yeah, he has fleas.

Fleas? No you must be mistaken cuz I checked for fleas. I surely would have seen fleas wouldn’t I? He couldn’t POSSIBLY have fleas. Other people’s dogs get fleas but Max doesn’t. I haven’t seen fleas anywhere else in the house.

A MISTAKE HAS BEEN MADE!!!!

Of course I didn’t think to check THERE for fleas. Fleas like nice warm, moist places evidently. If I had then I would have seen that yes, there is NO doubt he has fleas.

Well shoot.

I did feel a tad bit better when the vet assured me that this has been a terrible year as far as fleas are concerned. We had very hot and dry weather and a mild winter before that. Prime flea season.

The Fleapocalypse as it were.

And evidently they have been seeing animals with flea infestations despite correct use of Frontline. That made me feel slightly better. So Max got an oral pill which Dr. J. assured me would start killing the fleas immediately. And also a different flea and tick prevention medication that he has to use once a month until January when SURELY the fleas will all have died or gone to Florida.

So home we go where, when I pull into the garage I realize that I have left my favorite coffee mug back at the vet. Well double shoot. Back to the vet to pick up the mug then to do an errand at Walmart (Pepcid for the dog’s stomach) and then home. Home to:

1. Vacuum everything that I can think of and every place where the dog hangs around and lays down. Thankfully that is mostly on the first floor which is hardwood.

2. Dispose of the piece of carpet that we keep on the bottom of Max’s crate.

3. spend some time grooming Max with the Furminator. Usually when I do this I either furminate him on the deck and throw all the hair over the side. Or I furminate him in the laundry room and vacuum the hair up as I go. And there is always a lot of hair.

And then I had a brilliant idea.

Why not also vacuum up the fleas directly? I know that Dr. J. said that the pill he gave Max will start to kill the fleas right away and the monthly medicine will also do that and keep the rest at bay. But I can help a bit by also removing them directly.

Can I tell you that it isn’t a walk in the park to get a 68 pound dog who doesn’t like the vacuum cleaner on a good day to lie down willingly and stay there while you use the Vacuflo hose on his privates. It can be done but Max spent the entire time just looking at me like this….

Oh Alpha how could you subject me to this. Why oh why?

And that is how I came to spend time today vacuuming my dog’s genitals.

And if I were a bettin’ man I would think that we will do this again tomorrow.

Good times.