And Yet

Sorry I have been absent for the last few days. It has been busy, but not overwhelmingly.

I babysat yesterday. My boyfriend smells like pancakes and syrup and milk. I am in love. He also likes to throw his macaroni and cheese around the kitchen. But that is only a minor issue. We have another date next week. He might even let me watch Sponge Bob with him.

But really, I haven’t been here for the past few days because I seem to be in a blogging and general life funk. I know, it makes no sense to me either! I am in a new house that I love. We successfully married off Shoe Queen to Slim Jim. I don’t have to rake leaves this year or any other year for that matter. I can walk five minutes down the street and get a Grande Blonde Roast, no cream and then walk right back home. I am about to be done with the first sweater of the season. I am married to HHBL, a man who remembers to celebrate the day we met all those years ago. There is a big crock pot of Minestrone soup simmering in the kitchen. What more could a girl want with life.

And yet……

And yet……

And yet I am struggling a bit these days. Struggling with life and with direction. Don’t get me wrong, I can fill up every hour of every day with things to do and wish I had more time. I don’t understand when someone says that they would “get bored at home all day”. Seriously?

I love being home. I really, really love it. I love my nest. I love taking photographs. I crave it in the same way that I crave alpaca yarn or ice cream.

Hmmm, if you are not a knitter you might not get that but we will just go on.

The world in general would say that I am “wasting” my life and my time because I am not out and about and working at something “tangible”. I had a Knit Sib comment on that on Monday. I don’t think she meant to be hurtful, it was just a comment that she threw out to all in the course of the wide ranging conversations we have.

“Oh yeah, you don’t work do you.”

I mean, what am I supposed to say to that?

So I didn’t say anything even though it cut me deeply. And took a huge chunk out of my often times hard won feeling of self worth. The conversation flowed over me after that, on to something else. But I was just bleeding inside.

I wanted to stand up and yell at her, “I’m not LAZY! I am waiting.” And I feel like I have been waiting for so long. So, so long. Waiting so long that I am not sure anymore if I will ever know. Even though the Lord tells me that He hears me when I cry out. When I cry. When I yell at the dog when what I really want to do is yell at God. When there are days I would gladly kick a puppy….or a terrorist…..or a member of Congress. Sometimes I think that waiting is a harder job than many people think. It is hard when I see others easily sliding into something that I long to do. They didn’t even ASK for that. They weren’t even LOOKING for it and it found them. I smile. I congratulate them.

And I stand on the outside looking in. Just like I feel I have been doing for most of my life.

You might be saying, “Quit whining, just go out and DO it!”. Guys, after 53.5 years I have finally come to the realization that just isn’t going to happen. The good Lord didn’t make me that way. He made me the way I am, crazyhairphotoknitterlady. Whatever He wants me to be doing He is going to have to put it RIGHT in front of me in a manner such that I cannot miss it. I am not an entrepreneur. I am not someone who can sell her self, in the business sense mind you. I am just me. I take pictures of peoples feet. I take photos of odd things. I cannot be any other way. I know, I’ve tried. And it was unhappy and bad. Trust me, I have the scrapbooking materials to prove it.

I sound bitter. I know I do. I am not bitter, I am just waiting. I get up some mornings and swim my laps and look for zen and cry out to the Lord. And the water washes away the tears.

Actually it is rather impossible to swim and cry at the same time. I tried. The life guard already looks at me suspiciously and I don’t want the poor youngster to have to save the crazy lady in the pool. And they don’t particularly like you to blow your nose in the water.

And so I wait. And in my waiting I sometimes don’t have all that much to say. And so I have been absent. I will try to do better.