Sometimes I can find an endless number of things to do other than blog. And after you read this then you may wish that I hadn’t blogged.
See, I wrote those sentences and then decided that I would get up and do something else. After a few measly sentences. I wrote it. I thought about it. I got up and messed around with some things that I am cleaning out. I started a load of laundry (HHBL’s baseball pants that need to be soaked). Anything but blogging and putting words on “internet paper”.
I am struggling you see.
Struggling with many things.
Struggling sometimes to know what to say here. Does any thing I say have any relevance? Does it really matter if it does or not. Does it really matter that I am even here?
I am struggling with what I should be doing with my time. With my life.
Some days I struggle with just about everything in my life. I don’t care that my kitchen is dirty. I don’t care that the Hummingbird came to the feeder. Tears stream.
If you met me you might not know it. I usually have a smile on my face (except if you cut me off in traffic). I try to be nice. I try to be polite. I try to be productive. But I still struggle.
I guess you could say that I struggle with relevance. I know that I am relevant to God, that is one thing that I do not doubt. But it is all the other things that just sometimes feel like they are going to do me in. Most of the time it is pushed to the back of my mind and I just leave it there. But then there are times when it just comes roaring to the front and there is not a thing that I can do to stop it. I am overwhelmed and unable to cope.
Funny. Or not. I have reached the grand old age of 51 and I just don’t know what I am supposed to do.
What to do with my life. What to do with whatever talent I might possess.
I could read all day, take care of my house, experiment in the kitchen (my pasta primavera yesterday was KILLER), knit, garden, take pictures of stuff, mess around with said pictures. All those things.
But is that what I am supposed to be doing?
If it is then I would really just like some peace about that. If not then I would really like the Lord to open a big door and put out a big sign that says
Deb, THIS (with accompanying arrow) is what you are supposed to be doing.
But I haven’t seen the arrow or the sign yet.
And so I struggle on.